I've been bothered by a lot of self-conflicts lately.
First and foremost, I am having an identity crisis. It's like, after going through all those secondary years, I still don't really know who i am. I know deep down inside me, I'm a funny guy who has a lot of things to say to what's happening. But when I'm out in the wild, I can't express myself. I don't know why. Is it because of the different circle of friends? Is it that I'm shy? Sometimes when I joke, people mistaken me for being serious because of the way I express the joke. Sometimes I'm very funny around my friends, sometimes I'm very serious and quiet. There's no consistency to what my character's supposed to be.
Plus, I've always been very judgamental. I have lotsa negative thoughts about someone who I've just seen or met, which makes it very difficult for me to communicate with people because I can be kinda cold to them. I lose respect for people at the very first sight. Yes, you read me right. I lose respect for people before I even get to know them, which is scandalous. I guess that explains why I'm so in my own world.
Also, I've not been good in relationships. I haven't done enough for friends. Friendships are made of continuous contact, concern and the things they do for each other. And I don't do enough for my friends even when they treat me so well. Whenever we are away from each other, its as if we don't know each other. No, its like, I don't even know them. I seldom take the initiative to care about friends in the other side of the world. What kind of friend am I?
I can't multitask. When there's too many things in my head, I start to ignore one by one, belittle their importance to my own comfort so that I won't have so much things to think about. I used to think that I'm a simple person who likes to keep everything simple which is so wrong. I'm just trying to avoid responsibilties. I wonder what kind of adult do I make. I cant handle things all at a time.
Besides, I can be very self-centred most of the time. I think people are self-centered when I myself am too. I care more for my own business than others. I seldom get involved in friends outings for any purpose when we're supposed to be together.
At the end of the day, I feel i'm so useless. Fuck me.
9 comments:
Hohoho, that's the Chon Sern I know. Don't worry, just be yourself. You have my support, always.
Haha..quite honestly,as ur roommate,sometimes u're kinda quiet.but i definitely know you've got something humorous to share with,it's just that you find yourself hard to express most of the time..
chon sern,be a lil' noisy..we won't mind..i know there are lots of gossips you'd wanna share with us..lol..
rock on!
Dude..You are what u are n people should respect that..Sometimes i feel the same way as u feel..
thanks a lot for yr opinions... maybe this is really me cos after releasing all the thoughts and conflicts here, i cant help but to go back to being the usual reclusive me... haha...
kj, thanks for listening to my crap n jokes.. haha.. i'll try to talk more whenever i can... i will rock on!!
hihi.. i'm finally here.. =)
imo, consistency doesnt matter, i myself is an emotional person 2.. n i dun c any problem tho.. any1 would hv up & down.. but i'd prefer u being ur usual self n happy with it.. =)
most ppl would judge others on appearance, it's not a big matter as long as u keep an open mind.. =)
and no, i dun think u did not enuf 4 friends.. at least 4 me.. still, if u 1 2 hv a better relationship, u can always put more effort in it..
i cant multitask 2.. wat's d matter? most ppl cant do well when multitasking i think.. n i likes 2 keep thing simple 2.. jz dat v hv 2 know d importance of those things.. v dun hv time 2 do all d unneccesary things u know.. jz do wat u think is important..
well, for being self-centered, it's up 2 u, really.. u know d pros n cons, if u like it, u do it.. i do prefer if u care more about others tho.. =)
so, at d end of d day, i dun think u're useless.. fuck me if u 1.. haha.. =P
wow, u really have lotsa points for me to think about.. hehe..
thanks... hope i can get over it..
haha.. i hope it's no too loooong n boring..
kk gambate! =)
hey u're one of a kind and u should be proud of yourself, whether or not u can express yourself, let it out naturally... Do not stress on it because I feel the same bout myself too... no hard feelings :)
thanks a lot for yr opinion.. everyone is unique and now i appreciate more of what kind of person i am..
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