I've been bothered by a lot of self-conflicts lately.
First and foremost, I am having an identity crisis. It's like, after going through all those secondary years, I still don't really know who i am. I know deep down inside me, I'm a funny guy who has a lot of things to say to what's happening. But when I'm out in the wild, I can't express myself. I don't know why. Is it because of the different circle of friends? Is it that I'm shy? Sometimes when I joke, people mistaken me for being serious because of the way I express the joke. Sometimes I'm very funny around my friends, sometimes I'm very serious and quiet. There's no consistency to what my character's supposed to be.
Plus, I've always been very judgamental. I have lotsa negative thoughts about someone who I've just seen or met, which makes it very difficult for me to communicate with people because I can be kinda cold to them. I lose respect for people at the very first sight. Yes, you read me right. I lose respect for people before I even get to know them, which is scandalous. I guess that explains why I'm so in my own world.
Also, I've not been good in relationships. I haven't done enough for friends. Friendships are made of continuous contact, concern and the things they do for each other. And I don't do enough for my friends even when they treat me so well. Whenever we are away from each other, its as if we don't know each other. No, its like, I don't even know them. I seldom take the initiative to care about friends in the other side of the world. What kind of friend am I?
I can't multitask. When there's too many things in my head, I start to ignore one by one, belittle their importance to my own comfort so that I won't have so much things to think about. I used to think that I'm a simple person who likes to keep everything simple which is so wrong. I'm just trying to avoid responsibilties. I wonder what kind of adult do I make. I cant handle things all at a time.
Besides, I can be very self-centred most of the time. I think people are self-centered when I myself am too. I care more for my own business than others. I seldom get involved in friends outings for any purpose when we're supposed to be together.
At the end of the day, I feel i'm so useless. Fuck me.
