inner war

I've been bothered by a lot of self-conflicts lately.

First and foremost, I am having an identity crisis. It's like, after going through all those secondary years, I still don't really know who i am. I know deep down inside me, I'm a funny guy who has a lot of things to say to what's happening. But when I'm out in the wild, I can't express myself. I don't know why. Is it because of the different circle of friends? Is it that I'm shy? Sometimes when I joke, people mistaken me for being serious because of the way I express the joke. Sometimes I'm very funny around my friends, sometimes I'm very serious and quiet. There's no consistency to what my character's supposed to be.

Plus, I've always been very judgamental. I have lotsa negative thoughts about someone who I've just seen or met, which makes it very difficult for me to communicate with people because I can be kinda cold to them. I lose respect for people at the very first sight. Yes, you read me right. I lose respect for people before I even get to know them, which is scandalous. I guess that explains why I'm so in my own world.

Also, I've not been good in relationships. I haven't done enough for friends. Friendships are made of continuous contact, concern and the things they do for each other. And I don't do enough for my friends even when they treat me so well. Whenever we are away from each other, its as if we don't know each other. No, its like, I don't even know them. I seldom take the initiative to care about friends in the other side of the world. What kind of friend am I?

I can't multitask. When there's too many things in my head, I start to ignore one by one, belittle their importance to my own comfort so that I won't have so much things to think about. I used to think that I'm a simple person who likes to keep everything simple which is so wrong. I'm just trying to avoid responsibilties. I wonder what kind of adult do I make. I cant handle things all at a time.

Besides, I can be very self-centred most of the time. I think people are self-centered when I myself am too. I care more for my own business than others. I seldom get involved in friends outings for any purpose when we're supposed to be together.

At the end of the day, I feel i'm so useless. Fuck me.

A friend that never was

A while ago in early 2006, a "distant" friend(although she's a nearby neighbour) sought my advice on my university details. It was a turning point as she was to end up being my uni-mate and close friend for a while.

For about 1 year plus of honest friendship, i was very kind to her-not to boast but i really was. During that period, I was like her elder bro although I don't look like one. As a senior, I helped her with preliminary registration, guided her in studies, lent her almost lots of my notes and test papers and advised her on many academic issues. As a friend, I helped her look for room, offered her weekly rides- to and fro, remembered her birthday and gave her gifts, and accompanied her walking to bus stops on numerous occasions.

For all that I've done for her, she was actually not responsive most of the time but still accepting. At first I really didn't mind doing it as a friend, more so when she grew thinner and prettier(blinded by looks?). But then as she got more and more attention for her looks, she became a very much changed, different person. She showed her tail and the picture become too obvious and stupid to be unaware of. She treated everyone around her as a tool from the start. And I was one of them all along. Everyone else around her is.

I started assessing our friendship more closely and I realized it has been nothing more than a parasitic relationship. Her definition of friends is their usefulness. My value to her is under the academic category, as I have always been her source of senior guidance, notes, test papers as her reference. Other than that, I am of no worth to her. Which means, when she comes to me-whether she's trying to start a casual conversation or straight to the point, she can only have one definite motive-getting something academic from me. Yes, she's sly. She only comes to me when she needs my help and she starts the task by having a casual dialogue and giving lotsa sweet talk and smiles. At the end of conversation, I always end up lending her something. That's the whole point of the dialogue. If there's nothing to borrow from me, then I'm invisible to her. I was never appreciated or treated like a friend. She treats her circle of friends pretty much the same way but i'm not gonna elaborate on her exploits.

I regretted for being a kind fool, for being a willing prey and I was utterly disappointed to have such a friend. Then i started ignoring her and tried to cut down my help supplies, and guess what it only helped to reveal more of her true colours. She must have become desperate as she got herself a genius boyfriend and poof, she doesn't need anyone anymore. She hit lotsa birds with one stone because this guy is her classmate, he's a 4-pointer and he has a car. She would never go out for dinner with us the usual gang anymore, she shot to the president's list, she became a rat- eating her mate's food without her permission, she brought her guy back almost everynight to the disgust of her mate and the landlady. And the best thing is, this disrespectful guy treats everyone else as invisible as well and he kept coming. In short, she became an eyesore and a pain in the ass.

The landlady's patience was severely tested as promises were broken and warnings were ignored. In the end, she was to end up being asked to leave the house and she duly did. It really was justice done. I couldn't feel happier to have her out of my sight for the rest of my stay in the rented house.

And oh, guess what, she just asked for my notes and test papers when we met in the block last week. I was laughing in heart.... I feel like telling her:

"You know what? Fuck off, you cowbrain.. Happy cow year to you"

And Happy Chinese New Year to everyone else!

nominasi hadiah Nobel

pada era modenisasi, globalisasi, urbanisasi dan basi ini, krisis ekonomi dan finansial semakin serius. Amerika telah mengetepikan diskriminasi dan menjadikan Barack Obama presiden hitam pertama mereka. Bolehkah Obama menjustifikasikan apointmennya?

Ketika Amerika mendebatkan implemetasi inisiatif membasmi krisis ekonomi, kita sedang mendebatkan penggunaan English sebagai medium untuk Sains dan Matematik. Sistem edukasi nasional kita mempunyai problemasi yang kronik. Sejak &70-an, English sebagai medium telah diskrapkan, digantikan Bahasa Melayu. Kini, sitizen atau generasi muda Malaysia mempunyai problemasi berfikir dan berkomunikasi dalam bahasa ibunda. Dan eksis golongan konservatif yang mahu Bahasa Melayu diaktifkan semula. Di era moden di mana homosapien berkomunikasi dan bertukar informasi dalam English sebagai medium internasional, adalah ridikulasi untuk mengaktifkan Bahasa Melayu semula sebagai medium Sains dan Matematik.

Oh, dan untuk informasi kamu, fatwa Islam telah mengillegalisasikan yoga kerana boleh mengkoruptkan penganutnya.

Justification

Malaysia is not at all helpless, after the recently released UPSR results showed that our young Malaysians still can fare well in Math and Science in English. Thank you 12-year olds for proving to the old conservative minds that English is, needless to say, the way to go nowadays. These old men are only thinking for the sake the national language, not for the sake of the students' future.

Isn't the whole point of teaching the subjects in English obvious enough? Most of these young generations already have the serious problem of thinking and understanding things in their mother tongues, and the government made it worse by letting them do so. So what if they're having problems understanding them in English? Like it or not, they have to.

In the first place the teaching medium shouldn' have been changed from English to Malay in the 70's. That's 30 over years of damage done. Whose fault is it that people cant understand things in English? Whose fault is it that teachers cant teach in English? Now, even in some local universities, lecturers are still teaching in Malay. Look at the standard of our education when it was still in English, it was definitely way better than now. Who the heck changed it?

To sum up the issue, in Malaysia education begins after leaving school.

Below is Liverpool's star-studded line-up in the Carling cup match against Tottenham. You get the chills down your spine when u see the names. But, what baffles me is why they lost? This is undeserving!

Cavalieri Diego(G)

Sami Hyypia(D)

Andrea Dossena(D)

Philipp Degen(D)

Daniel Agger(D)

Lucas Leiva(M)

Damien Plessis(M)

Fernando Torres(ST)

Ryan Babel(ST)

Nabil El Zhar(ST)

David Ngog(ST)

The only unknowns here are Fernando Torres and Ryan Babel. Who are they?

Can you see anything sesat in the pics below?

Why Kuma Kuma should accept Tevez

1. He likes her for who she is. He is clear of what he wants in his partner because he has definitely met many kind of girls that attract guys in general, but yet he likes her. She is different. She is colourful, not just green, friendly (not like the average timid, personality-wise weak girls who wait for guys to approach them), happy-go-lucky, mysterious, tough and weak at the same time that makes him wanna care for her. He’s not a good listener but when she speaks, he wants to listen.

2. He thinks differently about what kind of looks is normal. His good friend who knows him well can prove to you that. She’s not fat. She’s not round. In fact, he has a whole different measurement unit. He thinks her roommate is too skinny like stick while she is just nice. He doesn’t mind about her cover-up dressing style. In his eyes, she’s pretty the way she looks.

3. They have a lot of conversation topics, similar way of thinking with many opinions in common like the way they judge people. Although they are from different fields, they have a connection which is rare and hard to find.

4. He’s confident of his lust control. He would feel cheap and hates himself if he ever takes advantage of girls for own sexual desire. He’s not a saint but he respects women enough to stop thinking of doing stupid things. He doesn’t like treating girls as mere sex object, but beleafs in sex as love.

5. One is left-brain centered while another is right-brain centered. They complete each other like batman and joker. Hahahahahahaha. They can live a 2 way relationship as both can help each other out during hard times. He feels that the tastes differences can be outweighed by their similar way of thinking on daily life issues as long as they respect each other’s interests.

6. Distance barrier between homes is reasonable.

7. Both have similar family backgrounds. They believe both sides of parents can get along well and have good impression on Kuma Kuma and Tevez. They went through similar things in life and have their own values which he feels will not clash.

8. He has a bright future with the course he’s studying. In long term, he’s likely to be able to be financially stable and supportive. Maybe even more than just stability.

9. Both are not attention desperado. They can stand on their own feet even if they don’t get much attention. There won’t be stickiness problems. They know they have their own daily agendas, that they have other things to worry about in their own lives too. As for what he said about not wanting to find a partner whom he meets every day as he may get bored, he admits it’s contradictory with what he’s doing now. He ate his own words. But he can’t do anything if the feelings are always there. Maybe, maybe because both sides are not as sticky like her roommate and partner, this principle would not be much of an issue.

10. He has a bit of introverted-ness as he doesn’t get too comfortable with the commitments of a too big circle of friends. He’s easily satisfied with his current batch of friends. Normally he keeps an emotional distance from not-so-close friends. He’s the kind of person who dislikes going out too much and he appreciates his time at home. So, he’s not likely to cheat on her. And he knows he’s not a good-looking person either, so when he finds a right one, he will really appreciate her.

11. They both don’t demand a lot from their partners. They are realistic. She doesn’t mind about what he doesn’t have. A typical girl would hope for a too-good-to-be-true Mr Right. Charisma, height, knowledgable, good-looking. He’s sick of girls posting friendster bulletins like - how many guys are willing to do that today, why girls cry, about women, 50 ways how to treat girlfriends, bla bla bla. Kuma Kuma is not at all like that. On the other hand, he doesn’t need girls to be too looks-conscious or to be prettier. In fact, he doesn’t like his partner baring too much skin as he doesn’t like other guys to be looking at his partner. He’s fine as long as she stays the way she is and she cares for him.

12. She may be more outspoken and have a stronger personality. But he’s not far below either. If both have tooo strong stand on their own principles, then fights are bound to happen often. He can guarantee her that he’s not that kind of person who quarrels. He prefers the soft, calm approach and to use reason to deal with problems. As for the outspoken part, he knows he’s a little too reserved and he will try to improve although he’ll never reach her outspoken level. Afterall, he has his own characteristic.

13. Both are students and don’t have a too big gap of mindset. They can go through the learning process of university life together. He cannot see what the long-term future after graduation holds. The only thing he knows is that he’s serious. He has had crushes before, but he has never try to get involved in relationships because he knows they’re not mature relationships and they’re bound to break. He felt that although it’s good experience, it’s pointless and not worth the time and effort. With the past crushes, he learns a bit about his immaturity and what kind of girls that he likes and won’t like. He has told himself that when he enters into a relationship, it will be a serious, long-term one. He won’t have the “Why so serious?” way of thinking.

14. He may still look young with his age. Only time and experience can bring that. He doesn’t want a one-way thing and he knows it’s not fair to ask one to wait, so she has the time to really think over it.

15. He has always been the kind of person who tries to be independent by himself. He doesn’t like asking for help. For example, he doesn’t like following his friend’s car to class even though his friend lives a stone throw’s away from his house. The thought of depending on his partner like a mother to make decisions for him is disgusting to him. It’s also an ego.

16. He’s not a very insecure person. Even when people laugh at him saying he’s little boy and baby Johnson, he laughs with them. Because he only cares what people close to him think about him, like her. In fact, they should not care about what others think of them.

17. He respects people’s privacy and space. From his time getting to know her, he trusts her to be a faithful partner. So, he won’t be a control freak.

18. He will try to improve himself as much as he can - language, physically, mentally, characteristically, and all-other-ly’s. He’s not promising anything but he can only assure her that he’s fully committed to the cause. He doesn’t want to make empty promises as he knows action speaks louder than words. So he’ll let actions do the talking. He hopes when they meet each other again, Kuma Kuma will be seeing a very much better Tevez. In a way, the month before their next meeting is a good thing.

19. He’s addicted to her face, her scent, her hair, her voice…. Her. He doesn’t think he can get bored when she’s such an addictive drug.

20. He thinks green is good for the eyes, he beleafs leafongism is magnifisern, he likes the leafont writing. He wishes that his girlfriend is hot like leaf, he wishes his girlfriend is leaf.